Lessons Learnt From a Mistake

Mistakes:

I often make mistakes, I have learnt that it is human; I apologise and / or make amends, forgive myself, learn what I can from the mistake and move on.

But, the other day I made a mistake during a marriage ceremony as a Marriage Celebrant.

The mistake was that I didn’t fix a problem that arose. Instead, I froze. I remember thinking that I would love somebody to come to my rescue or, even better, for a hole to appear in the ground into which I could disappear.

Later at home I cried. I was so ashamed and embarrassed I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, when I visited Facebook, I found that Nellie Jacobs had put up this poster about mistakes. http://www.facebook.com/nelliejacobs

Poster

When I thanked Nellie for posting this, she replied with a link to her blog. She had also made a mistake while giving a speech to 50 people, and written about it.

 

Negative Thought Patterns:

Because I had been helped by Nellie, I started to think and do some research. I wanted to know why I had frozen. Thinking about it the next day, I realised there were answers to my problem, but as I had mentally frozen at the time, I hadn’t thought to try one.

 

In her book Moving On… Pathways to Personal Growth Margaret Pinkerton wrote, “Negative cycles of thoughts and feelings lead to stress, feelings of loss of control, anxiety and worry. Situations may seem bigger or worse than they really are. Thinking becomes focused on the failures in life”.  (p 9)

This is true. Looking back, I do think in quite negative terms, probably all of my life.  I often see myself as somebody who makes mistakes, doesn’t get things right, and who performs poorly at things.

 

I was sexually abused as a child, and this has effected me in many areas of my life. Childhood sexual abuse can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). People who have or are suffering from this disorder can tend to focus on tension / painful events and respond to events with fear.

Anyone can learn to respond in a different way. To start making changes, they first need to recognise how they habitually respond and why they do so.

I remembered the counsellor I saw recently saying to me a number of times, “Thinking in terms of negative, fearful and anxious was not working for you, so why not change to positive thinking?”

 

I decided to give this a chance. I asked myself, “What and when do I do things well’? I came up with:

• I have been a single parent for over 25 years, and have been making good decisions for myself and my children.
• I have been a social worker for 17 years and have good problem solving skills.
•  I am calm, collected, and not anxious when at work.

 

Why didn’t this knowledge cross over to this new area of my life?

 

A few days later, I went to a workshop on Mindfulness, run by psychologist Patrick Jones. In this workshop he said, “Emotions can flood the skill set you have. Sometimes skill sets are not crossed over from one area of life to another / emotions may be the reason – or negative beliefs.”

That explained the problem: I think in negative terms and become very anxious.

 

But what can I do about it?

 

Neuroplasticity:

Neuroplasticity informs us about the neuro pathways in the brain. A short explanation is that pathways are much like muscles in the body: if you use them, they grow stronger; if you don’t, they get weaker. So, in the same way that you can strengthen muscles in your body, you can strengthen the pathways in your brain.

So I can practice thinking in positive terms, and learn to reduce my anxiety. “Positive thought cycles lead to feelings of inner confidence, being in control, calmness and clarity in making decisions for myself and others” said Margaret Pinkerton.

 

 

Positive Thinking:

But, what exactly is positive thinking?  I did a lot of research, I read many books, but nothing struck a chord with me. I like things put simply and clearly. Finally, I came across a website with a definition I love. In his “The Power of Positive Thinking” (http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_000009.htm) Remez Sasson writes,

“Positive thinking is a mental attitude that admits into the mind thoughts, words and images that are conductive to growth, expansion and success. It is a mental attitude that expects good and favourable results. A positive mind anticipates happiness, joy, health and a successful outcome of every situation and action. Whatever the mind expects, it finds.”

I will print this explanation out and place it my wall or on the mirror in my bedroom. I will be able to practice this way of thinking. I now know the pathways that carry positive thought in my brain will get stronger each time I think positively and, eventually, it will be a natural way of thinking for me.

Kathryn Sturrock

12.11.2011

 

References:

 

Jacobs, Nellie               Facebook, Nellie Jacobs.

Jones Patrick                Mindfulness Mastery Course, Workshop, Nov 4^th 2011

Pinkerton, Margaret   “Moving On… Pathways to personal growth” 1996 Eternity Ink,                                     Sydney, Australia.

Sasson, Remez             “SuccessConsciousness.com”

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Kathryn Sturrock Wedding Celebrant Perth

Category: Weddings